But I Don't Want To

Surveys Show That The #1 Fear Of Americans Is Public Speaking. #2 Is Death. That Means That At A Funeral, The Average American Would Rather Be In The Casket Than Doing The Eulogy.

The Luge Is The Only Olympic Event Where You Could Have People Competing In It Against Their Will, And It Would Look Exactly The Same. Take People Off The Street, 'hey, Hey, Hey, What Is This?! I Don't Wanna Be In The Luge!' Once You Put That Helmet On Them, 'you're In The Luge, Buddy!' 'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... Aaaaaaaa...' World Record. Didn't Even Wanna Do It. I'd Like To See That Next Olympics, The Involuntary Luge.

This Is One Of My Big Things Of Creative Pursuits. You Have Your Idea You Want To Do, But Then You Got To Figure Out What Does This Thing Want To Be? You Got To Let It Lead You A Little.

Golf Is The Ultimate Avoidance Activity For The Dysfunctional Dad. A Game So Nonsensically Difficult, So Pointless, So Irrationally Time Consuming, The Word Golf Itself Can Only Stand For ‘get Out, Leave Family.’

I Know I'm Not Going To Understand Women. I'll Never Understand How You Can Take Boiling Hot Wax, Pour It Onto Your Upper Thigh, Rip The Hair Out By The Root, And Still Be Afraid Of A Spider.