Coffee Is Like A Bra.

There Are Jokes I Know I Want To Tell, And There's Sort Of A Rough Order, But Usually I Try To Change It Up Every Show, To Improvise And Talk With The Audience. I Think When You Tell Jokes, If You're Not Careful, You Can End Up Telling The Whole List Of Jokes And Then That's It. And That Can Get A Little Boring.

When Telling A Story About How Wasted You Were Last Night, Stop.

Sometimes I Like To Go Outside Without Even Checking The Weather First.

A Straw Enables You To Drink Without Using Your Wrist. A Straw Is Your Friend - Until You Lose Eye Contact With The Straw. Then It Will Betray You And Make You Look Like An Idiot.

I Believe In Empathy. When Religion Provides That For People, It's The Best Thing In The World.