Every Sunday My Dad Calls

In The Second Grade, I Would Just Get Bored And A Joke Would Pop Into My Head And I Would Have To Say It. It Was Almost Like I Had Some Brilliant Novel In My Head That I Had To Get Down, And I Would Interrupt Class All The Time And Get In Trouble.

Halloween Is Just A Made Up Holiday, Created By The Razor Blade Industry.

My Mom's Been Having A Hard Time Lately. She Just Found Out That She Has To Have Both Of Her Breasts Removed - If She's Ever Going To Be Good At Golf.

If Your House Is On Fire And You Can Only Escape With Your Life And One Thing, What One Thing Would You Take Out Of Your House? I Got To Think My Laptop Is The One Thing That Is Totally Irreplaceable. Either That Or My Son. Laptop. I'll Go Laptop.

I Don't Have Much Racial Stuff In My Act. And No One's Ever Really Threatened Me To My Face. Threats On The Internet Don't Bother Me So Much.