Father's Day Makes Me Wish

You Look Like You Deep Fry Your Hands Before You Bite Your Fingernails.

I Guess I Prefer The Laughs. I Couldn't Do A Whole Set Of Just Shocks, But I Like Throwing A Fastball Inside Every Now And Then To Keep People On Their Toes.

Comedy Central Made Me Delete The Boston Marathon Joke. I Wasn't Happy About It But, Despite Popular Belief, I Can Occasionally Be A Team Player.

The Best Way To Break Up With A Girl Is Like I'm Taking Off A Band-aid. Slowly And In The Shower.

With Comics, You Always Talk About A Big Break, But There Are A Lot Of Big Breaks In Your Life And Not One Of Them Makes A Big Difference.