I Believe That I Have

I Would Rather Receive A Pap Smear From Captain Hook Than Venture Out On New Year's Eve.

Really? If I Could Hate My Trainer? That Would Be Ideal. I'd Prefer To Despise This Person With The Fire Of Ten Thousand Suns. So When I Walk - Nay, Crawl - Out Of Here At The End Of My Workouts, I Want To Lull Myself To Sleep By Picturing My Very Talented And Inspirational Trainer Getting Hit By A Bus. A Bus That I Am Driving.

Despite My Best Efforts, I'm Not Quite Perfect. Let's Just Say I'm Like One Of Those Hopi Blankets Where They Leave A Tiny Flaw So As To Not Affront The Lord.

Although I Get A Lot Of Specialty Services Like Wraps, Scrubs, And Mustache Removal, My Favorite Is The Simple Manicure/pedicure. They Work On Your Hands And Feet At The Same Time While You Sit In A Vibrating Chair. I Call It The Sorority Girls Version Of A Threesome.

As A Reader, I Notice Political Views Regardless Of Whether Or Not The Book Is Fiction. What Annoys Me Is When Said Views Do Nothing To Advance The Narrative.