I Can Be Drunk Until

If We're Not Going To Tax The Rich Anymore, We're Going To Create Class Warfare.

I Believe That Every Paper In The Country Should Have One Headline That When You Read It, You Laugh So Hard You Can't Stand It. It Has To Be That Way. What About A Headline Like This: 'hippo Eats Dwarf'? How Good Is That? You Read That Headline, And You Immediately Close The Paper And Say, 'wow, It's Gonna Be A Great Day.

I Can Pretty Much Guarantee That If I Do A Show In A Comedy Club, There Will Be Someone Who Will Come Out Of The Audience And Tell Me The Worst Joke Ever. It's Just A Guarantee.

Nobody In College Races Home And Says, 'i Can't Wait To See The News! I Can't Wait To See Who Cbs Is Going To Hire!'

If You Want To Get An Audience Quiet, Just Say "abortion" And Everybody Shuts Up And The Tension In The Room Is Spectacular.