I Didn't Even Graduate From

One Time I Was Doing A Speech To A Group Of Kids, And Just Before I Get There, I See This Little Kid Crying. I Found Out They Just Lost A Game, And He Was The Losing Pitcher. I Went Over There, Put My Arm Around Him, And Said, 'what Are You Crying For? When Major League Players Lose, They Don't Cry.'

I Don't Like The Pitch Count! How Are You Gonna Develop Your Arm? If You're A Track Man You Say, "hey, You Can't Run Too Much." Or If You're A Boxer You Say, "hey, You Can Only Box Three Rounds." It's Not Right!

If You Don't Root For The Dodgers, You Might Not Get Into Heaven.

Bruce Benedict Is So Slow He'd Finish Third In A Race With A Pregnant Woman.

When We Lose, I Eat. When We Win, I Eat. I Also Eat When We're Rained Out.