I Don't Know If I'm

I Know That Colbert Could Quote Thomas Aquinas And All This, But I'm Somebody Who, Because It's A Necessity For Me On A Personal Basis. I Need It Because I'm A Lunatic.

Thanksgiving. It's Like We Didn't Even Try To Come Up With A Tradition. The Tradition Is, We Overeat. 'hey, How About At Thanksgiving We Just Eat A Lot?' 'but We Do That Every Day!' 'oh. What If We Eat A Lot With People That Annoy The Hell Out Of Us?'

I'm Not A Foodie; I'm An Eatie. I Don't Have Anything Against Foodies. I Just Don't Have The Time Or The Interest To Do That Much Research.

Why Would A Lazy Guy Become A Parent Of Five? Then Again, Why Would Creative People Who Inherently Don't Like Change And Criticism Become Writers, Actors, Or Comedians? There's Something About This Process. I Joke About It: My Kids Have Made Me A Better Person, And I Only Need, Like, 34 More Of Them To Be A Really Good Guy.

Whatever A Writer Gets Paid For His Book, It's Never Enough. I Think That's True. It's Hard Work. But In The End, You Wrote A Book. It's Something Real And Tangible That Sits On A Shelf Forever.