I Don't Know What My

I'm The Most Mellow Person Offstage. I Think It's Just, Going Onstage Lets Me Get Out Some Frustration That I'm Too Shy To Do In Real Life. Instead Of Doing It In Private, I'd Rather Do It In Front Of 1,000 People Who've Paid $25 To See Me Lose My Mind.

I Think If You Come Out To California Trying To Be An Actor, It's Pretty Hard. There's Desperation. A Lot Of People Are Desperate, And A Lot Of People Are Clueless, Including Me. It's Hard To Try To Figure It Out. I've Never Told You, But I Have Head Shots That If You Saw Them... They're So Terrible! It's So Embarrassing.

Hookers Don't Like To Snuggle.

My Name Is Zach Galifianakis And I Hope I'm Pronouncing That Right. I'm Named After My Granddad, My Middle Name. My Name Is Zach Granddad Galifianakis.

I Once Walked In On My Grandparents Making Love...and That's Why I Don't Eat Raisins.