I Got My Hair Highlighted

I Like Those Blow-up Beds. "this Becomes A Full Size Bed In Three Minutes!" Well, A Mattress Kicks Your Ass. Zero Seconds. "yeah, But You Can Store This Thing." You Can Store A Bed, Too - In The Bedroom.

I Got Some Tartar Control Toothpaste. I Still Have Tartar, But That Stuff's Under Control. I Got So Much Tartar, I Don't Have To Dip My Fish Sticks In Anything. That's Actually Kind Of Gross. After That Joke, I Have To Clarify That I'm Just Joking.

I Like Kinko's, Because They're Open 24 Hours. If It's 5 Am And I Decide I Need Two Of Something, I'm Covered! Sometimes I Wake Up In The Middle Of The Night In A Cold Sweat, And Then I Think, "oh, Yeah. Kinko's. No Problem. That Will Not Remain Singular."

I'm Always On The Road, And I Drive Rental Cars. Sometimes I Don't Know What's Going On With The Car, And I'll Drive For Ten Miles With The Emergency Brake On. That Doesn't Say A Lot For Me, But It Doesn't Say A Lot For The Emergency Brake. What Kind Of Emergency Is This? I Need To Not Stop Now. It's Not Really An Emergency Brake, It's An Emergency Make-the-car-smell-funny Lever.

You Know When A Company Wants To Use Letters In Their Phone Number, But Often They'll Use Too Many Letters? "call 1-800-i-really-enjoy-brand-new-carpeting." Too Many Letters, Man, Must I Dial Them All? "hello? Hold On, Man, I'm Only On 'enjoy.' How Did You Know I Was Calling? You're Good, I Can See Why They Hired You!"