I Grew Into It. It

You Wake Up One Morning And There It Is, Sitting In An Old Plaid Bathrobe In Your Kitchen, Unpleasant And Unshaved. You Look At It, Heart Sinking. Madness Is A Rotten Guest.

• Eating Disorders Are Addictions. You Become Addicted To A Number Of Their Effects. The Two Most Basic And Important: The Pure Adrenaline That Kicks In When You're Starving—you're High As A Kite, Sleepless, Full Of A Frenetic, Unstable Energy—and The Heightened Intensity Of Experience That Eating Disorders Initially Induce. At First, Everything Tastes And Smells Intense, Tactile Experience Is Intense, Your Own Drive And Energy Themselves Are Intense And Focused. Your Sense Of Power Is Very, Very Intense. You Are Not Aware, However, That You Are Quickly Becoming Addicted.

The Madness Is There, And Will Always Be There. But It Will Keep Sleeping, As Long As I Don't Wake It Up.

And Yet You Are All That You Have, So You Must Be Enough. There Is No Other Way.

If I Had Been A Different Sort Of Person, Maybe Less Impressionable, Less Intense, Less Fearful, Less Utterly Dependent Upon The Perceptions Of Others - Maybe Then I Would Not Have Bought The Cultural Party Line That Thinness Is The Be-all And End-all Of Goals. Maybe If My Family Had Not Been In Utter Chaos Most Of The Time, Maybe If My Parents Were A Little Better At Dealing With Their Own Lives Maybe If I'd Gotten Help Sooner, Or If I'd Gotten Different Help, Maybe If I Didn't So Fiercely Cherish My Secret, Or If I Were Not Such A Good Liar, Or Were Not Quite So Empty Inside... Maybe.