I Have A Rare Form

My Girlfriend Wants An Open Relationship. I Said No Way. What Kind Of Man Would I Be If I Had To Tell My Friends I Date You?

Every Night, My Girlfriend Comes Home From Work, And She Brings With Her A Houseplant. She's Like, 'anthony, I Had To Pick This Up. We Need A Houseplant In Our Apartment.' And Every Night, I Make Her Return It. I Say, 'no Way, Baby. You Can't Take Care Of A Houseplant. You Couldn't Even Keep Your Baby Alive.'

Of All The Ways People Save Time, I Think Racism Is The Worst.

I've Got A Kid In Africa That I Feed, That I Clothe, That I School, That I Inoculate For 75 Cents A Day. Which Is Practically Nothing Compared To What It Cost To Send Him There.

It Seemed Fun To Play A Villain On Stage And I Wanted My Jokes To Be So Good That I Could Just Calmly Tell Them On Stage.