I Have The Distinction Of

I Still Feel Pangs Of Remorse Over An Insidious Habit I've Had Since I Was A Teenager. About Three Times A Week, I Attend Estate Auctions And Make Insulting, Low-ball Bids For Prized Heirlooms Until I'm Asked To Leave.

That Kid's Got An Arm Like Uncle Fester At An Exhibition Of Pre-colombian... Um, Christ, I Lost It. I Was Going For Something Thick. So What's With The Beard, Grizzly Fouts?

After September 11th, Freedom Of Speech In America Has Become A Topic That's Touchier Than A Vatican Summer Camp.

I'd Rather Be Funny Than Wise.

It Takes Zero Politically Correct People To Screw In A Lightbulb Because They Are Perpetually In The Dark.