I'm A Vulgar Lounge Entertainer,

I Love The United States. I Have Applied For Citizenship. I Want To Take The Oath Of Allegiance On Tv.

Confession Is A Sacred Rite Enhanced By Allegory, Exaggeration, And Lies.

I Hated The Summer Jobs I Had When I Was A Teenager. They Were So Mundane And Repetitious, They Deadened My Soul. On The Bright Side, It Was Good Training For This Job.

The Universe Is Very, Very Big. It Also Loves A Paradox. For Example, It Has Some Extremely Strict Rules. Rule Number One: Nothing Lasts Forever. Not You Or Your Family Or Your House Or Your Planet Or The Sun. It Is An Absolute Rule. Therefore When Someone Says That Their Love Will Never Die, It Means That Their Love Is Not Real, For Everything That Is Real Dies. Rule Number Two: Everything Lasts Forever.

They've Found A Link Between Chemicals In Shampoo And Obesity. If You're Eating Shampoo, Your Weight Is The Least Of Your Concerns.