I Prefer Dead Writers Because

I Think Humor Is Warmer, And Wit Is Colder. Wit Is Judgment, Whereas Humor Invites Some Sort Of Response.

The Theater Itself Is So Archaic And Old Fashioned, That It Doesn't Really Matter To Me Whether It's On Avenue D Or At The Helen Hayes Theater. What's The Difference? It's Still A Very Nostalgic Form. Also, It Means You're Knowingly Walking Into A Room Where There's Actors. I Feel It's Very Embarrassing. Because, You Know, They're Right There. You Always Think Like, They Can See You, And I Think It's Mortifying, Frankly, And I Hate To Sit Near The Front, Where You Feel They Actually Might See You. It's Too ... It's Too Live.

I Don't Like The Kind Of Country Living Where You Have To Help. I Like Country Living Where There Is Help.

Notoriously Insensitive To Subtle Shifts In Mood, Children Will Persist In Discussing The Color Of A Recently Sighted Cement-mixer Long After One's Own Interest In The Topic Has Waned.

The Telephone Is A Good Way To Talk To People Without Having To Offer Them A Drink.