I Think A Lot Of

Any Misfortune That Happens To Another Person Is Funny. If It Happens To Someone Else And Not Me, It's Very Funny.

I'd Make Jack Benny Look Like A Philanthropist.

If They'd Wanted A Nice Parrot, They Wouldn't Have Asked For Me.

I Always Felt Bad For Mother Teresa. Mother Teresa Lived A Whole Life Helping Starving Children And Dying Villages, But She Could Never Be Declared A Saint 'cause She Never Actually Performed A Miracle. And It Was Towards The End, She Was Desperate To Perform A Miracle, So She Would Go Up To Starving Children And Go, 'what's That Behind Your Ear? It's A Quarter!

There Are Certain Things I Don't Want To Joke About. If It's About Somebody Else, It's Fine. If It's About Me, I Think It's Totally Insensitive!