I Watched Ken Burns' Civil

Washington Couldn't Tell A Lie, Nixon Couldn't Tell The Truth, And Reagan Couldn't Tell The Difference.

My Whole Life Is A Movie. It's Just That There Are No Dissolves. I Have To Live Every Agonizing Moment Of It. My Life Needs Editing.

If Anybody Comes Up To You And Says, My Kid Is A Conservative - Why Is That? You Say, Remember In The 60′s When We Told You If You Kept Using Drugs Your Kids Would Be Mutants?

I Made The Mistake Early In My Career, When I Moved To Hollywood, Of Being Attracted To Actresses. I Used To Go Out Exclusively With Actresses And Other Female Impersonators.

A Yuppie Is Someone Who Believes It's Courageous To Eat In A Restaurant That Hasn't Been Reviewed Yet.