I Wish I Was This

I Had A Career Before The Stern Show, On Mad Tv. I Was On The First Two Seasons Of That And I Got Kicked Off It Because Of Possession Of Cocaine.

Historically, A Successful Life In Comedy Is A Dream That's As Equally Pondered And Unpursued As Being An Astronaut.

You Know How Screwed Up Censorship Is, Two Girls Just Agreed To Make Out Naked In Front Of Their Fathers, And We Went Wait, Don't Curse.

My Mother Would Say, Before I Left The House, 'remember Art, Hugs Are Better Than Drugs.' And I Believed My Mother, I Believed Everything She Said - Until The First Time I Got High At A Party. I Leaned Back, And I Went, 'god, This Is Way Better Than When My Uncle Perry Hugs Me. What Else Has My Mother Been Lying To Me About?

But I Live An Interesting Life And I Can Tell A Pretty Good Story And It Has Helped My Career. But The Downside Is People Know Everything.