If I Had A Hammer,

Chic Murray Once Told Me He Fell In The Street, And A Woman Said To Him, "did You Fall?" He Said, "no, I'm Tryin' To Break A Bar Of Chocolate In My Back Pocket."

Politically Correct Is The Language Of Cowardice.

Don't Vote, It Only Encourages Them.

Without Arts Programmes There's Only Reality Tv, And Reality Tv Needs The Arts To Show It What Reality Is.

A Mate Of Mine Has Just Told Me He's Shagging His Girlfriend And Her Twin, I Said How Can You Tell Them Apart, He Said "her Brothers Got A Moustache!"