If The Girls Keep Dancing,

Baseball's Opening Day Is Full Of Time-honored Traditions: The President Throws Out The First Ball, The Cubs' Starting Pitcher Walks Away With A 54.00 Era, The Royals Get Mathematically Eliminated From The Pennant Race.

In The Old Days, When A Star Left A Still-thriving Hit Show, They'd Celebrate By Killing Him Or Her Off. But 'the Office' Dispatched Michael Scott In A Crueler And More Final Way: They Made Him Normal. Since We're Talking About Michael Scott, 'normal' Might Be Stretching It, Obviously.

I Didn't Know What I Was. I Didn't Have A Noun.

But Mtv Relishes Its Vestigial Role As A Star Maker, So Every Year It Puts All Its Clout Into Making The Vmas The Biggest, Splashiest, Loudest Show-biz Extravaganza Of The Year, Honoring All This Music For Existing, After A Year Of Paying Barely Any Attention To It.

Nothing Connects To The Moment Like Music. I Count The Music To Bring Me Back, Or More Precisely, To Bring Her Forward.