I've Never Been Able To

I Am Thankful I Was Born In America, Although If I Gain Any More Weight The Burqa Thing May Start To Seem Like A Good Idea To Me. See? Another Plus About America, You Can Always Find Some Food.

Stand-up Is Like A Movie Every Night. You Write It, Direct It, Produce It, The Audience Votes, And You Go Home. There's Nothing More Satisfying.

I Am Thankful The Most Important Key In History Was Invented. It's Not The Key To Your House, Your Car, Your Boat, Your Safety Deposit Box, Your Bike Lock Or Your Private Community. It's The Key To Order, Sanity, And Peace Of Mind. The Key Is 'delete.'

As For Being A Voice In Politics, I Feel Whether You Are Famous Or Not, Busy Or Not, It's Incumbent Upon Every Citizen To Participate In This Government In Any Way We Can.

My Brother Is Gay And My Parents Don't Care, As Long As He Marries A Doctor.