Pie Can't Compete With Cake.

The Reason I Say I'm A Horrible Person Is I Don't Want Myself To Be Presented As Somebody Who's A Great Catholic.

There Is The Vegetarian Hot Pocket For Those Of Us Who Don't Want To Eat Meat, But Would Still Like Diarrhea.

Nursery Schools And Bars At 2 A.m. Are The Only Places Where It Is Completely Normal If Someone Just Spontaneously Throws Up On The Floor...and Just Like A Toddler, The Bar Patron Wakes Up The Next Day Not Remembering Or Caring How They Behaved.

I Was Raised In A Family Where My Father Was The First One To Go To College.

Whenever One Of My Children Says, 'goodnight, Daddy,' I Always Think To Myself, 'you Don't Mean That.