She Was So Fat That

Last Week My Tie Caught On Fire, Some Guy Tried To Put It Out With An Axe.

You Live With Life's Disappointments And Learn From Them. At Seventy-eight, I Know It All.

[on 8/24/04, Before Entering A Los Angeles Hospital For Heart Valve Replacement Surgery] If Things Go Right, I'll Be There About A Week, And If Things Don't Go Right, I'll Be There About An Hour And A Half.

You Know You're Ugly When You Go To The Proctologist And He Sticks His Finger In Your Mouth.

I'm Tellin' Ya I Get No Respect. When I Was In Switzerland, I Got An Obscene Yodel.