So Many Kids Are Fat

Based On Every Statement I’ve Heard Out Of Any Republican In The Last Two Years, The Israelis Are Controlling Our Government.

When We Talk About Values, I Think Of Rationality In Solving Problems. That's Something I Value. Fairness, Kindness, Generosity, Tolerance. That's Different. When They [conservative Right Wing Republicans] Talk About Values, They're Talking About Things Like Going To Church, Voting For Bush, Being Loyal To Jesus, Praying. These Are Not Values.

People Sometimes Say How Standup Is So Hard, And I Always Tell Them That It's Hard At The Beginning.

It's A Little Strange When You Have Never Been To War, And You Eye-roll About A Guy Who's Got Shrapnel Still In His Body, As Chuck Hagel Does.

New Rule: Tulips Aren't Flowers. They're Some Kind Of Gay Onion.