Thank You... Fantasy Football Draft,

Bp Wants Twitter To Shut Down A Fake Bp Account That Is Mocking The Oil Company. In Response, Twitter Wants Bp To Shut Down The Oil Leak That's Ruining The Ocean.

New Scientist Magazine Reported That In The Future, Cars Could Be Powered By Hazelnuts. That's Encouraging, Considering An Eight-ounce Jar Of Hazelnuts Costs About Nine Dollars. Yeah, I've Got An Idea For A Car That Runs On Bald Eagle Heads And Faberge Eggs.

Hillary Clinton Said That Libyan Leader Moammar Gadhafi Is Engaged In 'theater.' Which Explains The New Strategy To Defeat Him: Casting Him As The Lead In 'spider-man: The Musical.'

A New Study Found That Americans Are Exercising More Than Ever But Still Not Losing Much Weight. Not Good In Fact, It's All I Could Think About On My Jog To Dunkin' Donuts.

A House Panel In Texas Has Approved Full Marijuana Legalization For The State. Yeah, Meaning Texas Could Go From Having Dude Ranches To 'dude, Ranches.'