The Joy Of The Roasts

There Are Times When I've Had Ideas Walking Down The Street That I Thought Were Great, And The Minute I Got Onstage, I Would Think Of Them And Go, 'wow, That Would Never Work,' Even Before I Did It In Front Of The Audience.

If Someone Says That I'm The Best At Anything, I Always Just Agree With Them. I'm Certainly Not Gonna Argue.

I Wanted To Be A Brain Surgeon, But I Had A Bad Habit Of Dropping Things.

I Guess If They Ever Do A Remake Of 'sophie's Choice,' I Could Play The Meryl Streep Part. I've Got To Work On My Polish Accent. Maybe I'll Be The Definitive King Lear One Day. You Know, If They Ever Feel That King Lear Should Be More Jewy.

If A Comedian Tells A Joke That You Find Funny, You Laugh. If He Tells A Joke You Do Not Find Funny, Dont Laugh. Or You Could Possibly Go As Far As Groaning Or Rolling Your Eyes. Then You Wait For His Next Joke; If Thats Funny, Then You Laugh. If Its Not, You Dont Laugh - Or At Very Worst, You Can Leave Quietly.