Use A Screwdriver Instead Of

Dad Needs To Show An Incredible Amount Of Respect And Humor And Friendship Toward His Mate So The Kids Understand Their Parents Are Sexy, They're Fun, They Do Things Together, They're Best Friends. Kids Learn By Example. If I Respect Mom, They're Going To Respect Mom.

Women Are Brilliant. Every Woman Knows How To Do The Weirdest Thing Right Out Of The Bucket. Every Woman Knows How To Do That Hindu Head Wrap With The Towel Out Of The Shower. A Typhoon Couldn't Blow That Thing Off Their Heads. Ever Try To Do That? You Look Like A Drunk Iraqi Soldier.

I Know It Sounds Odd, But I Want To Make A Rolex-quality Screwdriver.

While Awaiting Sentencing, I Decided To Give Stand-up Comedy A Shot. The Judge Had Suggested I Get My Act Together, And I Took Him Seriously.

Speeding Is Like Drugs. It Makes Everything Come At You Fast, And When You Go Back To Normal Driving, Safe Driving, Prudent Driving, It Seems Boring. That's The Danger Of Drugs. At First It's Intoxicating, But Then The Rest Of Your Life You're Trying To Find That Very First Time. It Never Is The Same.