We Writers Dream Of A

This Made No Sense To Me, Probably Because I Speak English And Have Never Had A Head Injury.

I Have No Affinity For Animals. I Don’t Hate Animals And I Would Never Hurt An Animal; I Just Don’t Actively Care About Them. When A Coworker Shows Me Cute Pictures Of Her Dog, I Struggle To Respond Correctly, Like An Autistic Person Who Has Been Taught To Recognize Human Emotions From Flash Cards. In Short, I Am The Worst.

I Never Dreamed I Would Receive The Mark Twain Prize For American Humor, Mostly Because My Style Is So Typically Austrian.

North Korea Threatened To Attack If Sony Pictures Released The Interview, Forcing Us All To Pretend That We Wanted To See It.

Feminists Do The Best Photoshop Because They Leave The Meat On Your Bones. They Don’t Change Your Size Or Your Skin Color. They Leave In Your Disgusting Knuckles, But They May Take Out Some Armpit Stubble. Not Because They’re Denying Its Existence, But Because They Understand That It’s Okay To Make A Photo Look As If You Were Caught On Your Best Day In The Best Light.