What I've Learned About Comedy

Full House Was A Show That Was Done For Ten-year-olds. The Critics Hated It. They Said Terrible, Terrible Things About It. But It Should Have Been Reviewed By Ten-year-olds. That's Who It Was Made For. They Loved It. And If They Loved It, Great. Why The Hell Does A Fifty-year-old Guy Working At A Big Newspaper Have To Tell Me I'm A Piece Of Crap?

I Just Did A Play In New York Which Has Been My Best Experience That Ive Had For Maybe Ever. It Was Paul Weitzs Play Called Privilege And I Was In New York For Three Months.

I'd Like A Nice Piece Of Salmon That's Not Too Pink Inside And Yet Isn't Too Dry Or Crisp Either.

Found A Bunch Of Old Shower Caps In My House. Was Gonna Throw Them Out But Realized They Make Excellent Porta Potties For Long Road Trips.

What Do You Do If You're In The Car And Your Girlfriend Touches Your Crotch Then Asks You To Remind Her To Get Kitchen Scissors?