Alcoholism Is The Only Disease

I Had A Velcro Wallet In A Casino. That Sound Annoyed The Hell Out Of Me. Whenever I Lost Money, And I Opened The Wallet, It Was Like The Sound Of My Addiction.

I Want To Make A Vending Machine That Sells Vending Machines. It'd Have To Be Real Big.

I Have Found When I Look At An Audience That The Expressions On The Peoples' Faces Aren't Always Up To Par With The Sounds That They're Making. A Crowd Can Sound Like They're Having A Good Time When Your Eyes Are Closed But If You Open Your Eyes, The Looks On Some Of Those Faces Don't Equal The Sound.

Foosball Screwed Up My Perception Of Soccer. I Though You Had To Kick The Ball And Then Spin Around And Around. I Can't Do A Back Flip, Much Less Several Simultaneously With Two Other Guys.

Every Time I Go And Shave, I Assume There's Someone Else On The Planet Shaving. So I Say, 'i'm Gonna Go Shave, Too.'