I Am The World's Oldest

My Sex Life Is Terrible; My Wife Put A Mirror Over The Dog's Bed. Actually She Did Put A Mirror Over Our Bed. She Says She Likes To Watch Herself Laugh.

With Girls, I Don't Think Right. I Had A Date With One Girl, She Had Mirrors All Over Her Bedroom. She Told Me To Come Over And Bring A Bottle. I Got Windex.

My Old Man Never Liked Me. He Gave Me My Allowance In Traveler's Checks.

When I Was Born I Was So Ugly The Doctor Slapped My Mother.

My Life Is Nothing But Pressure. All Pressure. This Pressure Is Like A Heaviness. It's Always On Top Of Me, This Heaviness. It's Always There Since I'm A Kid. Other People Wake Up In The Morning, 'a New Day! Ah, Up And At 'em!' I Wake Up, The Heaviness Is Waiting For Me Nice. Sometimes I Even Talk To It. I Say [adopts Cheerful Voice] 'hi, Heaviness!' And The Heaviness Looks Back At Me, [in An Ominous Growl] 'today You're Gonna Get It Good. You'll Be Drinking Early Today.'