I Don't Curse On Stage,

Sometimes Being Lazy Can Get You In Trouble. You Ever Not Take A Shower All Weekend, Just Lounge Around, Then You're Running Late For Work On Monday? There's Always One Person At Work: "something Smells Like Smoke In Here!" "uh, I Went To A Barbeque On Friday Night. Only Had 48 Hours To Take A Shower. Busy."

I've Been Outed As A Christian.

Stand-up Comedy In The End, Unlike The Rest Of The Entertainment Industry, Is A Meritocracy. There's A Certain Level Of Undeniability You Can Work Toward.

What Exactly Are The Ingredients Of Ranch Dressing? Mayo And Disappointment?

I Guess The Reasons Against Having More Children Always Seem Uninspiring And Superficial. What Exactly Am I Missing Out On? Money? A Few More Hours Of Sleep? A More Peaceful Meal? More Hair? These Are Nothing Compared To What I Get From These Five Monsters Who Rule My Life.