I Don't Ever Want To

I Guess I Prefer The Laughs. I Couldn't Do A Whole Set Of Just Shocks, But I Like Throwing A Fastball Inside Every Now And Then To Keep People On Their Toes.

My Ex-girlfriend Owned A Parakeet…oh My God, That F**king Thing Would Never Shut Up. But The Bird Was Cool.

When I Finished High School, I Wanted To Take All My Graduation Money And Buy Myself A Motorcycle. But My Mom Said No. See, She Had A Brother Who Died In A Horrible Motorcycle Accident When He Was 18. And I Could Just Have His Motorcycle.

I Feel Like Every First Episode Of A Tv Show Is Bad, You Know, And It Always Improves.

Comedy Central Made Me Delete The Boston Marathon Joke. I Wasn't Happy About It But, Despite Popular Belief, I Can Occasionally Be A Team Player.