I Feel Like Every First

I Killed A Squirrel Once With A Car. Twice With A Tennis Racket.

I Like To Read, But Otherwise I'm Just Your Average, Self-obsessed Comedian. It's Pretty Much All I Think About.

My Girlfriend Is Jewish. But It's Easier To Buy Her A Christmas Present And Then Break It Into 8 Pieces.

Every Year I Volunteer At A Hospital On Thanksgiving, Deep-frying Turkeys In The Children's Burn Unit. I Do It Just To See The Looks On Their Little "faces."

My Perfect Night Would Be Going Out To An Awesome Restaurant, Then Heading Over To The Comedy Cellar To Hang Out With Other Comics, Drinking Beers And Making Fun Of Each Other.