I Killed A Squirrel Once

I Don't Want To Wake Up With Cops Surrounding My Bed Tonight.

My Mom's Been Having A Hard Time Lately. She Just Found Out That She Has To Have Both Of Her Breasts Removed - If She's Ever Going To Be Good At Golf.

My Girlfriend Is Despicable. I Just Found Out She Flirted With My Brother, During My Mom's Funeral, While I Was Asleep.

Valentine's Day Was Created By The Greeting Card Industry To Get Pussy.

I Love Austin, But Last Time I Was In Town For Twelve Hours. I Was Exhausted, Drunk And Miserable. But None Of That Was Austin's Fault.