I'm A Tad Paranoid. I

I Think The American Legal System Sucks Worse Than A Celine Dion Cover Version Of Whole Lotta Love.

Then People Ask Me If I'm Worried About The Effects Of Global Warming On My Kids. Well, Obviously I Love My Kids And I Want Them To Live To Be A 100. So That's Another 1.8. My Kids' Kids? Three Point Six. I'll Just Tell Them We Moved To Phoenix.

Check Out The Helmet Hair On Randy Moss, Babe! He Looks Like Some Freakish Anti-mr. T After A Long Evening Sleeping Through 'aida.'

Democratic Candidate John Kerry On Tuesday Chose Fellow Senator John Edwards To Be His Running Mate. Asked About Edwards' Lack Of Foreign Policy Experience, Kerry Revealed His New Campaign Slogan, 'i Promise Not To Die.'

Teresa Lewis, The Only Woman On Death Row In Virginia, Says She Doesn't Deserve The Death Penalty Because She Only Hired The Killers Of Her Husband And Stepson, She Didn't Actually Pull The Trigger Herself. You Know, She Has A Point. I Think We Should Let Her Be Able To Hire The Person Who Executes Her, And Not Do Yourself In! How's That, Doll? Yeah! Get It Over With Quick, Maybe Charlize Theron Will Sign Up To Play You.