I Took The Wife's Family

Mind You, I've Always Been Musical... Mother Used To Sit Me On Her Knee And I'd Whisper, 'mummy, Mummy, Sing Me A Lullaby Do,' And She'd Say: 'certainly My Angel, My Wee Bundle Of Happiness, Hold My Beer While I Fetch Me Banjo.'

I'm Often Accused Of Saying Some Pretty Rotten Things About My Mother-in-law. But Quite Honestly, She's Only Got One Major Fault - It's Called Breathing.

The Mother-in-law Had An Accident At Work. A Hot Rivet Dropped Down Her Drawers And She Fell Off The Oil Rig.

I'm Not Saying My Mother Didn't Like Me, But She Kept Looking For Loopholes In My Birth Certificate.

I Used To Sell Furniture For A Living. The Trouble Was, It Was My Own.