I've Got A Long History

I Was A Weird Kid Because I Liked To Be Alone, But I Craved Attention. It Was Important For Me To Be Cool, But I Couldn't Keep My Mouth Shut. So I Was Either Talking For The Sake Of Talking, Or I Was Curled Up With A Book Somewhere Hiding From Everyone.

When I Was Seven, I Broke My Leg Playing Soccer. Just To Feel Something.

I Never Knew If I Would Get My Own Show, But I Knew I Loved Stand-up.

Every Year I Volunteer At A Hospital On Thanksgiving, Deep-frying Turkeys In The Children's Burn Unit. I Do It Just To See The Looks On Their Little "faces."

She Got Really Mad A Month Ago, Because She Had E-mailed Me A Naked Picture Of Herself - Which Is A Nice Thing To Do - But Then I Messed Up, And I Accidentally Forwarded That E-mail To Both Of My Parents. Now, My Girlfriend Is Furious, Mortified, But I Don't Even Care, 'cause Now I Have To Call Up My Mother And Say 'mom, I Am So Sorry - That Picture Was Just For Dad.'