My Dad Always Said, If

I'm Filthy Stinking Rich - Well, Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad.

Cell Phones Are Like A Dog's Nipples... You Don't Have To Shout Into Them!

I've Been At Stand-up 26 Years Now: After A While, You Get As Jaded As The Proverbial Gynecologist Who No Longer Enjoys Drugging And Violating His Patients.

I Was A Cute Baby. My Mom Said When I Was Born They Threw Away The Mold. Some Of It Grew Back.

I've Always Thought The Best Way To Teach A Kid Not To Be Scared Of The Dark Is To Fill His Daylight Hours With As Much Horror As Possible.