My Tears Cure Cancer Too,

My Job As An Actor Has Inspired Generations Of Children To Become Doctors. My Job As A Writer Has Opened Up The Minds Of Millions. My Job As A Director Has Produced Masterpieces That Will Be Taught In Film School For Ages.

I'm Pretty Sure Africa Was Made Up By The Media To Scare People. I Mean, I've Never Seen It. Have You? I Didn't Think So.

I Don't Even Like The Show That Much, I Mean, It's About Doctors. It's Not Like Doctors Are As Important As Actors Anyway, I Bet I've Saved More Lives With My Acting Talent Then Any Doctor Has.

Well I Can Understand Why Men Want It To Be Legal. Obviously They're All Hoping They Might Get To Marry Me Someday. I Hate To Burst Their Bubble, But They Should Just Give It Up Now. Zach Braff Doesn't Sway That Way, You Know?

I Like To Think Of Myself As The Chris Benoit Of The Movie Industry, Capable Of Taking Any Picture And Carrying It To Box-office Success. Take Garden State, Without Me That Would Have Just Been Two Hours Of Portman Doging.