Scotland Has The Only Football

I Used To Be A Folk Singer, But I Was... Dreadful. I Had A Voice Like A Goose Farting In The Fog.

[to Audience Members Who Were Arriving Late] You Haven't Missed A Thing, I Was Just Killing Time 'til You Got Here.

Fame Is Being Asked To Sign Your Autograph On The Back Of A Cigarette Packet.

I Once Travelled To Adelaide On Emu Airways. I Was 5,000 Ft Up In The Air When Someone Pointed Out To Me That Emus Can't Fly

I've Always Liked It Here. Part Of Me Is Irish. My Family Comes From The West Coast, So Whenever I Come To Ireland I Get A Wee Tingling In My Heart That I'm Where I Belong.