Sure, Retarded Jokes Write Themselves.

I Don't Get Back As Much As I'd Like To, So I Don't Have A Lot Of Close Ties [pittsburgh], But I'll Bleed Black And Gold Until I Die.

My Sister Just Had A Baby, A Little Newborn. The Kid Is Adorable, So Cute. She Wouldn't Let Me Hold Him, She Refuses. She Says, 'no Way, Anthony, I'm Afraid You're Gonna Drop Him.' I'm 32 Years Old. Like I'm Some Kind Of Idiot. Like I Don't Have A Million Other Ways To Hurt That Baby.

Comedy Central Made Me Delete The Boston Marathon Joke. I Wasn't Happy About It But, Despite Popular Belief, I Can Occasionally Be A Team Player.

Every Sunday My Dad Calls To Ask If I Went To Church. And Every Sunday I Lie And Say: Sorry. Wrong Number.

Amy [schumer] And I Each Have Our Cross To Bear When It Comes To Tattoos. Amy And I Are Funny When We Fight. It Just Keeps Escalating Until One Of Us Starts Laughing. Then It's Over. I'm Happy That We're Friends.