When You're A Comic, It's

Don’t Forget, God Can See You Masturbating. But Don’t Stop. He’s Almost There.

I Feel So Confident And Awesome And Sexy When I'm With People Who Are Older Than Me, And I've Always Been Surrounded By People Who Are Older Than Me. But To Be Vital In Comedy, You Have To Exist In A World That's Dominated By Young People.

If I Have Kids, I'll Adopt.

I Don't Think There Is A Woman In Her 40s Who Doesn't, Kind Of, Examine Herself In The Mirror.

Dear America, When You Tell Gay Americans That They Can't Serve Their Country Openly Or Marry The Person That They Love, You're Telling That To Kids Too. So Don't Be F**king Shocked And Wonder Where All These Bullies Are Coming From That Are Torturing Young Kids And Driving Them To Kill Themselves Because They're Different; They Learned It From Watching You.