You Know, If You Need

Stand-up Is Like A Movie Every Night. You Write It, Direct It, Produce It, The Audience Votes, And You Go Home. There's Nothing More Satisfying.

I Am Thankful I Was Born In America, Although If I Gain Any More Weight The Burqa Thing May Start To Seem Like A Good Idea To Me. See? Another Plus About America, You Can Always Find Some Food.

Pigs Are Smarter Than Dogs, And Both Are Smarter Than Congress.

I Just Get The Feeling That If Jesse Helms Was In Charge Of Art In America, You'd Go Into A Museum And See Nothing But Prints Of Dogs Playing Cards.

I Am Thankful That Geniuses And Artists And Good People, No Matter How Hard It Is, Will Eventually Be Recognized. I Am Doubly Thankful That Also Goes For Idiots.