Happiness Means Quiet Nerves.

If At First You Don't Succeed, Try, Try Again. Then Quit. There's No Point In Being A Damn Fool About It.

Never Give A Sucker An Even Break.

Anyone Who Hates Children And Animals Can't Be All Bad.

Variant: I Was Driven To Drink By A Woman. I Am Forever Grateful, Yet I Never Had The Good Manners To Thank Her.

California Is The Only State In The Union Where You Can Fall Asleep Under A Rose Bush In Full Bloom And Freeze To Death.