I Bought A Perfect Second

When I Was A Kid I Got No Respect. When I Went On The Roller Coaster, My Old Man Told Me To Stand Up Straight.

Last Week I Told My Wife, If You Would Learn To Cook, I Could Fire The Chef. She Said, If You Could Learn To Make Love, I Could Fire The Chauffer.

When We Got Married, The First Thing My Wife Did Was Put Everything Under Both Names - Hers And Her Mother's.

My Father Carries Around The Picture Of The Kid Who Came With His Wallet.

My Wife Is So Fat That The Last Time I Saw Something That Big It Was Grazing.