So I Was In Tesco's

My Wife Had A Go At Me Last Night. She Said, Youll Drive Me To My Grave. I Had The Car Out In Thirty Seconds.

So A Lorry-load Of Tortoises Crashed Into A Train-load Of Terrapins, I Thought "that's A Turtle Disaster".

It's Strange, Isn't It. You Stand In The Middle Of A Library And Go Aaaaagghhhh' And Everyone Just Stares At You. But You Do The Same Thing On An Aeroplane, And Everyone Joins In.

I Had A Ploughman's Lunch The Other Day. He Wasn't Very Happy.

So I Said To This Train Driver "i Want To Go To Paris". He Said "eurostar?". I Said "i've Been On Telly But I'm No Dean Martin".